Not Your Typical Ride Report?
Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2025 8:04 am
Got a freaking flat tire!!! 
Oh, a day in the life of SkooterG!!!
Transitioning from highways SR51 to Loop 101 in north Phoenix. Taking the ramp at about 80mph with a nice lean. Nothing too crazy. I hit one of the bumps between sections and think to myself, 'whoa! That didn't feel right.' I hit the next one.... same thing. I think to myself: 'Self, is your shock going to shit?' Once westbound on the Loop 101 going straight at 80 mph I give the handlebars a shake. Yeah, that little weave is not normal. I say to myself: 'Self, you have a freaking rear tire problem!' I pull over right away and sure as the tread marks in Wheatie's underwear, I have a freaking flat rear tire! f@$k.
Luckily, I am 100 yards from an exit ramp. Limp down the ramp. Major intersection a tenth of a mile away. First gas station the air machine has a sign, 'out of order'. Go to the next one across the street. No sign. Looks good. FJR up on centerstand and whoa, 'Houston, we have a tire problem'. That ain't no little hole! I could say something about the large hole in my tire and how it compares to Oface's butthole, but I won't. 
Fortunately, I am only about 5 miles from mi casa, so there is that.
Pull out the repair kit. Ream out the hole. (Easy there Wheaty!) Metal wires I am assuming from the tire itself are still there. Put in two sticky strings. Swipe the credit card and for only $2.50 I have air a pumping! As I am fighting with the air chuck I realize my 90 degree valve stem is rotating fairly easily. f@$k!!! I also realize that air is coming out of the hole almost as quickly as it going in. Double f@$k!!!
Time to reevaluate. You see, I have plans in a couple hours. I promised to show some young ladies a good time at the Buffalo Chip Saloon on the dance floor. Who am I to deny them that?
I call MudslideMiller. I am only a mile from his house. I figure I limp this bitch of an FJR to his house, park it in his garage, and make him loan me one his motos so I can get home. Deal with the mess tomorrow. But that choad doesn't answer!!! Ok, next plan, go inside the gas station and get a can of fix-o-flat. I hate that crap, and the mess I will have to deal with upon tire change but I got young ladies on the brain. Not a great plan , but it doesn't matter as the store has no fix-o-flat.
What are we up to? Plan D? Put sticky string #3 in the hole. I go to turn on the air machine again but wouldn't you freaking know it? The f@$king power has gone out in the last minute or so. The whole intersection is dark - no traffic lights, and all businesses have no power. That means no freaking air!!!! Fuuuuck!
I try to call MudslideMiller again. That asswipe must be dodging my phone calls! Ungrateful bastard! He is SO fired! Options: ride 1/4 mile to the Costco parking lot, call an Uber to take me home and deal with it tomorrow. That would be too easy! I ride the flat tire 2.0 miles to the next gas station. There is no air chuck on the end of the hose of the air machine. Grrrrrrrr...... I am really starting to get into my unhappy place......
Ride another 1.1 miles on the flat tire to the next gas station. So far, lucky in that tire is still on the bead. There is a gentleman at the air machine trying to fill up his flat tire on his car. I help him out. It takes us about 10 minutes for us to figure out why there is no air being pumped into his tire: There is a button on the air machine for 'completely flat tires'. Apparently in normal use it wants to see a little bit of pressure or it won't pump air. Grrrrrrrrr.......
Another 10 minutes goes by as he fights a losing battle with his tire. Losing air not quite as fast as he is filling it. He gets it up to about 13 psi and says, 'f@$k it' I am going to try and make it home. I am up. Freaking air machine won't take my credit card!!! I am slipping into a baaad place..... I go into the store to get quarters and there are two dudes in line in front of me. #1 is trying to buy every lottery ticket and some unobtanium brand of cigarettes based on HOW LONG THIS IS FREAKING TAKING!!!! Grrrrrrrrr......
Get quarters. Head back outside and start pumping glorious 78% nitrogen, 21% Oxygen and some other proprietary gasses. Amazingly, with three sticky strings and even after having ridden it 3 miles completely flat it seems to be holding air!!! Schwing!!! According to the air machine it got it up to 34psi!!!! And the crowd rejoiced! Things are finally starting to look up! I ride a blessedly uneventful 2.5 miles back to mi casa! For shits and giggles, I check it and it is at 33 psi. We shall see what it like in the morning. Lucky FJR hoarder me, I can take one of the many other FJRs I have to the Buffalo Chip. See? There IS a method to my madness!!!!!
Time to get cleaned up. I am running late for my rendezvous with Alex and her friend. I met Alex when she was 17 years old many, many moons ago. The girl I was dating back then was friends with her mom The four of us would all go to the Buffalo Chip where I was forced to keep them all entertained on the dance floor. Yes, even 17 year-old total smoke show Alex. It was just dancing you creepers! It was a tough job, but somebody had to do it!
Well, Alex turned 33 two days ago. She is out visiting from Pennsylvania. She is STILL a hottie. Last Wednesday Jane, the girl I was dating back then (we are still good friends) calls me and says guess what two women are here with me and want to dance with you. I may be dumb, but I ain't stupid. I use my excellent powers of deductive reasoning and guess correctly: Lisa (mom) and Alex. Later I learn that Alex is having a tough time in life right now with a shit boyfriend. It's a long story. That girl is a hottie and a total sweetheart, but the poor thing has a broken picker. She could get any great guy she wanted no doubt in my mind, but she likes to pick loooosers! I haven't seen Alex in 10 years? 15 years? But I have heard the stories over the years from Jane. Later, when Alex was not around her mom made me promise to take her out and show her a good time and give her some fun for a change. And make her feel desirable and good about herself.
Woe is me! Who am I to deny that request? I'll take one for the team this time around.
Soooooo..... this excessively wordy tome about a freaking flat tire comes to a happy ending as I make some freaking lemonade!
This old fart danced Alex and her friend Ava's butts off! I flirted excessively with Alex. I told her how wonderful she was and what total hottie she is. I saw the girl start smiling more and more and that warmed my heart. I'll be sore in the morning, but it was well worth it! I mean.... really.... it didn't suck......
33 year old brunette Alex on my right, her 27 year old redhead friend Ava on my left. Life is good!
Oh, a day in the life of SkooterG!!!
Transitioning from highways SR51 to Loop 101 in north Phoenix. Taking the ramp at about 80mph with a nice lean. Nothing too crazy. I hit one of the bumps between sections and think to myself, 'whoa! That didn't feel right.' I hit the next one.... same thing. I think to myself: 'Self, is your shock going to shit?' Once westbound on the Loop 101 going straight at 80 mph I give the handlebars a shake. Yeah, that little weave is not normal. I say to myself: 'Self, you have a freaking rear tire problem!' I pull over right away and sure as the tread marks in Wheatie's underwear, I have a freaking flat rear tire! f@$k.
Luckily, I am 100 yards from an exit ramp. Limp down the ramp. Major intersection a tenth of a mile away. First gas station the air machine has a sign, 'out of order'.
Go to the next one across the street. No sign. Looks good. FJR up on centerstand and whoa, 'Houston, we have a tire problem'. That ain't no little hole! I could say something about the large hole in my tire and how it compares to Oface's butthole, but I won't. Fortunately, I am only about 5 miles from mi casa, so there is that. Pull out the repair kit. Ream out the hole. (Easy there Wheaty!) Metal wires I am assuming from the tire itself are still there. Put in two sticky strings. Swipe the credit card and for only $2.50 I have air a pumping! As I am fighting with the air chuck I realize my 90 degree valve stem is rotating fairly easily. f@$k!!! I also realize that air is coming out of the hole almost as quickly as it going in. Double f@$k!!!
Time to reevaluate. You see, I have plans in a couple hours. I promised to show some young ladies a good time at the Buffalo Chip Saloon on the dance floor. Who am I to deny them that?
I call MudslideMiller. I am only a mile from his house. I figure I limp this bitch of an FJR to his house, park it in his garage, and make him loan me one his motos so I can get home. Deal with the mess tomorrow. But that choad doesn't answer!!!
Ok, next plan, go inside the gas station and get a can of fix-o-flat. I hate that crap, and the mess I will have to deal with upon tire change but I got young ladies on the brain. Not a great plan , but it doesn't matter as the store has no fix-o-flat. What are we up to? Plan D? Put sticky string #3 in the hole. I go to turn on the air machine again but wouldn't you freaking know it? The f@$king power has gone out in the last minute or so. The whole intersection is dark - no traffic lights, and all businesses have no power. That means no freaking air!!!! Fuuuuck!
I try to call MudslideMiller again. That asswipe must be dodging my phone calls! Ungrateful bastard! He is SO fired! Options: ride 1/4 mile to the Costco parking lot, call an Uber to take me home and deal with it tomorrow. That would be too easy! I ride the flat tire 2.0 miles to the next gas station. There is no air chuck on the end of the hose of the air machine. Grrrrrrrr...... I am really starting to get into my unhappy place......
Ride another 1.1 miles on the flat tire to the next gas station. So far, lucky in that tire is still on the bead. There is a gentleman at the air machine trying to fill up his flat tire on his car. I help him out. It takes us about 10 minutes for us to figure out why there is no air being pumped into his tire: There is a button on the air machine for 'completely flat tires'. Apparently in normal use it wants to see a little bit of pressure or it won't pump air. Grrrrrrrrr.......
Another 10 minutes goes by as he fights a losing battle with his tire. Losing air not quite as fast as he is filling it. He gets it up to about 13 psi and says, 'f@$k it' I am going to try and make it home. I am up. Freaking air machine won't take my credit card!!! I am slipping into a baaad place..... I go into the store to get quarters and there are two dudes in line in front of me. #1 is trying to buy every lottery ticket and some unobtanium brand of cigarettes based on HOW LONG THIS IS FREAKING TAKING!!!! Grrrrrrrrr......
Get quarters. Head back outside and start pumping glorious 78% nitrogen, 21% Oxygen and some other proprietary gasses. Amazingly, with three sticky strings and even after having ridden it 3 miles completely flat it seems to be holding air!!! Schwing!!! According to the air machine it got it up to 34psi!!!! And the crowd rejoiced! Things are finally starting to look up! I ride a blessedly uneventful 2.5 miles back to mi casa! For shits and giggles, I check it and it is at 33 psi. We shall see what it like in the morning. Lucky FJR hoarder me, I can take one of the many other FJRs I have to the Buffalo Chip. See? There IS a method to my madness!!!!!
Time to get cleaned up. I am running late for my rendezvous with Alex and her friend. I met Alex when she was 17 years old many, many moons ago. The girl I was dating back then was friends with her mom The four of us would all go to the Buffalo Chip where I was forced to keep them all entertained on the dance floor. Yes, even 17 year-old total smoke show Alex. It was just dancing you creepers! It was a tough job, but somebody had to do it!
Well, Alex turned 33 two days ago. She is out visiting from Pennsylvania. She is STILL a hottie. Last Wednesday Jane, the girl I was dating back then (we are still good friends) calls me and says guess what two women are here with me and want to dance with you. I may be dumb, but I ain't stupid. I use my excellent powers of deductive reasoning and guess correctly: Lisa (mom) and Alex. Later I learn that Alex is having a tough time in life right now with a shit boyfriend. It's a long story. That girl is a hottie and a total sweetheart, but the poor thing has a broken picker. She could get any great guy she wanted no doubt in my mind, but she likes to pick loooosers! I haven't seen Alex in 10 years? 15 years? But I have heard the stories over the years from Jane. Later, when Alex was not around her mom made me promise to take her out and show her a good time and give her some fun for a change. And make her feel desirable and good about herself.
Woe is me! Who am I to deny that request? I'll take one for the team this time around.
Soooooo..... this excessively wordy tome about a freaking flat tire comes to a happy ending as I make some freaking lemonade!
This old fart danced Alex and her friend Ava's butts off! I flirted excessively with Alex. I told her how wonderful she was and what total hottie she is. I saw the girl start smiling more and more and that warmed my heart. I'll be sore in the morning, but it was well worth it! I mean.... really.... it didn't suck......
33 year old brunette Alex on my right, her 27 year old redhead friend Ava on my left. Life is good!
JS'NS